So me, Mr Fusion 82, PahantomLordBWH, and BodemanDSD were kicking some Blue guy butt on swordbase when I saw Mr Fusion 82 getting attacked from a jet packing fool. With one kill left I decided that action had to be taken in the most extreme way possible.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
Flame On!
Any Halo: Reach fans out there that want to be FLAMING? Unlock your blue flaming helmets on bungie.net today. Hurry! It ends on bungie day! 7/7/11
Log into your bungie.net profile to unlock. Don't have one? Make one for free!
Bungie.net : Satisfying Your Mom Since 1991
Log into your bungie.net profile to unlock. Don't have one? Make one for free!
Bungie.net : Satisfying Your Mom Since 1991
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Typical Office Supply Store Shoppers
Please note: This blog will most certainly offend some people. Those people have never worked in retail.
I have worked at an office supply store for over 10 years now. In that time I’ve seen a lot of customers and have decided to share some insights into what I’ve learned in that time. Today I’m going to talk about those customers we all know, love, and loath: Oldies, Fatties, Cuties, and Foreigners.
Oldies: Time to crank up your Beltones Grandma and Grandpa. I don’t care how young you feel on the inside, you’re old and therefore don’t know anything about computers. You are too set in your ways to learn anything new, and I’m not going to teach you, so stop asking. Also, I don’t care about how much things USED to cost. I’m sure that back in your day, 59 cents was a down payment on a house, but now a days it will get you exactly one color copy. Tell me something…… when you were kids, didn’t the old people of your day complain all the time about how expensive things were, or was that so long ago that things didn’t exist? You must have been as annoyed back then as I am now. Or is it possible that back then you all belonged to some sort of tribe that worshiped the elders? Oh well, all I know is that modern medicine has come a long way and it has allowed most of you to live far longer than was thought possible. Probably longer than you should have. At least back in the days of the tribes, once you outlived your usefulness and became a burden to the tribe, you were sent off into the woods to die. Ahhhh the good old days.
Fatties: How many times has this happened to you? You are stocking a shelf, trying to run out the clock and not be bothered by stupid people in the process, when from behind you hear asking for help.
Unknown customer: “Excuse me, do you work here?”
You turn around towards the unknown customer to see who would ask such a stupid question. I mean really…. What average person goes to a retail store wearing a uniform exactly like the other store employees and starts working for fun? So you turn around to give them some sort of smart ass comeback, only to be visually assaulted by an obese person that looks more like Jabba the Hutt than a human being. You pray to a god that you don’t really believe in that they’ll be quick. Ha Ha Ha. You should have known you weren’t that lucky. Jabba wants to know where everything is on their list and wants you to walk them personally to each item because they’ll be dammed if they’re going to search for an item and burn up precious calories. They won’t let you go until every last item is checked off their list and crushed any hope of having a peaceful shift.
ATTENTION FAT PEOPLE!!! Stop wasting my time. I understand that you’re ugly and crave a retail employees attention because we have to help you and the outside world has shunned you and your over abundance of winter blubber, but please, lose some weight and become attractive. I will be more than happy to wait on you then. If you refuse to get thin because you’re lazy or would like to blame it on some mythical “glandular problem” then please, leave the store and go home to your pets. They are the only ones who will love you unconditionally. Be forewarned though. They only love you because you feed them. They won’t hesitate to eat you when you have a heart attack and die in the middle of your pork chop/ice cream dinner.
Cuties: This elusive breed of human is a rare treat. When one walks into the store and needs help, it can make your day. They look nice and smell nice too. Be careful though, there are many varieties of shoppers that will try and trick you into thinking they’re cuties to get you to help them. Here are some examples:
•The 20 foot away cutie: This is by far the most common type. She walks in as you look up from your computer in the copy center and see her walking past the cash registers. You wonder why your spidey sense didn’t go off. She walks into the paper shop and you see your chance to strike. You walk up to her and she turns around...
BAH! You are so repulsed by the non attractiveness of the woman that you wonder if you will ever get an erection ever again. You help the crypt keeper with her question and go back to the copy center making a mental note to make an appointment with the eye doctor for an obviously overdue exam.
•The from behind cutie: Another very common type. The from behind cutie is one that will have nice clothing, a nice body and even have an attractive head. You of course assume that since they’re good looking from behind, they must be attractive in the front.
You would be wrong. They turn around and are once again horrified by nasty saggy breasts, an unnoticed pregnancy, or a face that looks like they are about to go try out for the part of Sloth in Goonies II.
•The oldie who wants to be a cutie: This type is a former cutie who has been ravaged by time. The grim reaper is getting ever closer and in a desperate attempt, she will wear too much makeup or wear their daughters belly shirts in hopes of throwing the angel of death off the scent.
Word of advice ladies, don’t wear the belly shirt if you have had a c section. Very unsexy.
•Jailbait: (No picture here you pervs) You’re walking down an aisle and you notice a cutie at the end. She’s got an outfit that makes you think she stopped off for paperclips before going to work at the strip club. Hey... strippers need office supplies too right? You approach and she turns around. You just realized that she’s no older than 15. AHHHHHH!!!!! Stay away from these girls at all costs. 15 will most certainly get you 20. Go for the mom instead. You know she’s single because no father would let his little girl leave the house like that.
And last but not least;
FORIEGNERS: Uggggg…. Where do I begin? As soon as I said foreigners, I know you all thought the same thing. “I hate foreigners”. In fact, I’d be willing to bet that a few of you skipped over Oldies, Fatties and Cuties and came straight here. Well, go back and read it. I’ll wait.
Things we all hate about foreigners:
•Their smell
•Their over abundance of hair
•Their refusal to learn the language
•Over use of the term “My friend”
•Their incessant need to ask 1,000 questions the second they walk through the door despite the language barrier
•Their love of the clearance section
•The over use of bad coupons and their need to complain until they get their way (i.e. They buy a computer, ((the cheapest one there is)) and they try and use a coupon for 25% off any supply item but not valid on technology)
Now, that last one isn’t limited strictly to foreign people, but they easily make up the largest portion of the coupon complainers.
Message to all foreign people who may read this:
I’m sure that when you lived in the old country, it was perfectly ok to haggle over the price of things like you were in a market place. I’m also sure that it was customary to not bathe EVER. Well you live in America now pal. You’ve also probably lived here for some time too. Learn to shower, learn to speak English, and fucking learn that we put the price on an item, we do that so you won’t stop and ask us the price and try and barter with us. And for fucks sake, stop eating so much curry. It’s coming out of your pores and making me ill.
I have worked at an office supply store for over 10 years now. In that time I’ve seen a lot of customers and have decided to share some insights into what I’ve learned in that time. Today I’m going to talk about those customers we all know, love, and loath: Oldies, Fatties, Cuties, and Foreigners.
Unknown customer: “Excuse me, do you work here?”
You turn around towards the unknown customer to see who would ask such a stupid question. I mean really…. What average person goes to a retail store wearing a uniform exactly like the other store employees and starts working for fun? So you turn around to give them some sort of smart ass comeback, only to be visually assaulted by an obese person that looks more like Jabba the Hutt than a human being. You pray to a god that you don’t really believe in that they’ll be quick. Ha Ha Ha. You should have known you weren’t that lucky. Jabba wants to know where everything is on their list and wants you to walk them personally to each item because they’ll be dammed if they’re going to search for an item and burn up precious calories. They won’t let you go until every last item is checked off their list and crushed any hope of having a peaceful shift.
ATTENTION FAT PEOPLE!!! Stop wasting my time. I understand that you’re ugly and crave a retail employees attention because we have to help you and the outside world has shunned you and your over abundance of winter blubber, but please, lose some weight and become attractive. I will be more than happy to wait on you then. If you refuse to get thin because you’re lazy or would like to blame it on some mythical “glandular problem” then please, leave the store and go home to your pets. They are the only ones who will love you unconditionally. Be forewarned though. They only love you because you feed them. They won’t hesitate to eat you when you have a heart attack and die in the middle of your pork chop/ice cream dinner.
•The 20 foot away cutie: This is by far the most common type. She walks in as you look up from your computer in the copy center and see her walking past the cash registers. You wonder why your spidey sense didn’t go off. She walks into the paper shop and you see your chance to strike. You walk up to her and she turns around...
•The from behind cutie: Another very common type. The from behind cutie is one that will have nice clothing, a nice body and even have an attractive head. You of course assume that since they’re good looking from behind, they must be attractive in the front.
•The oldie who wants to be a cutie: This type is a former cutie who has been ravaged by time. The grim reaper is getting ever closer and in a desperate attempt, she will wear too much makeup or wear their daughters belly shirts in hopes of throwing the angel of death off the scent.
•Jailbait: (No picture here you pervs) You’re walking down an aisle and you notice a cutie at the end. She’s got an outfit that makes you think she stopped off for paperclips before going to work at the strip club. Hey... strippers need office supplies too right? You approach and she turns around. You just realized that she’s no older than 15. AHHHHHH!!!!! Stay away from these girls at all costs. 15 will most certainly get you 20. Go for the mom instead. You know she’s single because no father would let his little girl leave the house like that.
And last but not least;
Things we all hate about foreigners:
•Their smell
•Their over abundance of hair
•Their refusal to learn the language
•Over use of the term “My friend”
•Their incessant need to ask 1,000 questions the second they walk through the door despite the language barrier
•Their love of the clearance section
•The over use of bad coupons and their need to complain until they get their way (i.e. They buy a computer, ((the cheapest one there is)) and they try and use a coupon for 25% off any supply item but not valid on technology)
Now, that last one isn’t limited strictly to foreign people, but they easily make up the largest portion of the coupon complainers.
Message to all foreign people who may read this:
I’m sure that when you lived in the old country, it was perfectly ok to haggle over the price of things like you were in a market place. I’m also sure that it was customary to not bathe EVER. Well you live in America now pal. You’ve also probably lived here for some time too. Learn to shower, learn to speak English, and fucking learn that we put the price on an item, we do that so you won’t stop and ask us the price and try and barter with us. And for fucks sake, stop eating so much curry. It’s coming out of your pores and making me ill.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Halo Video 5: Perfection
The first of hopefully MANY Invincible badges. 32 and 0 with a lot of help from my friends Mr Fusion 82 and BodemanDSD. The other team was acctually TRYING! Too bad they were focusing on my friend Mr Fusion 82 in the banshee instead of me and my driver in the warthog. I bet that loss still hurts to this day. Do you still need a doughnut pillow to sit on guys? Thought so.
Halo Video 4: SPLAT!
While trying to rescue BodemanDSD from the clutches of a sniper and also gain a gunner for my warthog, I decided to splatter the sniper while he wasn't paying attention. However, I failed to see the grenade BodemanDSD threw from off screen at the sniper in question which propelled me over the edge of the hill and into another enemy. Result: Double Splatter Awesomeness.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Diary of a House: Part 6
Chapter 7: I am the man...ager
I had my interview and I was quite nervous as I had only met Paul once or twice before over the years. I thought my interview had gone rather well and when it came down to talking about pay he had mentioned that I would be looking to get a 20-25% percent raise. I did some quick math in my head and that was over $13.50 an hour! Woo hoo!!! I went back to the copy center and grabbed a calculator and did some more math to get an idea of how much my paychecks would come out to. I was set. No more worries of how I was going to pay my bills. Life was turning around for me finally. Then I realised that I had the interview, but I still didn't have the job yet.
About 2 weeks went by before I had heard anything about the job. Looking back at it now, it was that prick Pauls way of making me sweat. I finally FINALLY got a call from him and he offered me the job. I said I'd take it and asked about the pay. "Oh well we'll talk about that when the time comes but I'd say you're looking at around 20%." Around 20% as in maybe 25%? My mind was stuck on that thought as he said goodbye and hung up. What does around 20% mean? I know now that it meant I was about to get fucked over.
So Michigan City had opened up sometime in August or September, and Valpo was supposed to open sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I knew that it would be a little tough to make it till then with my current financial situation but I could do it as long as I tightened the belt a bit and didn’t start buying anything outrageous. Well I had also forgotten that my best friend Justin had finally proposed to his lifelong girlfriend Grace a while back and their wedding was coming up in November as well. They had asked me to stand up in their wedding as well which I was more than happy to do but I made it quite clear to both of them that me standing up in their wedding and paying for the tux rental was going to be my gift for them. No presents or a card filled with cash from Jim at the reception so don’t even bother looking.
Well after the wedding, money was tighter than ever so I knew that I’d have to be really careful about not pissing off Rob and getting my hours slashed like he did once before he got mad at me. Side note: Yeah Rob…. I remember that. I was back in the copy center and hadn’t worked in tech for six months. I get scheduled to work one night in tech which I was ok with. That just happened to be the day that the LP guy showed up and he found 2 or 3 computers unalarmed. Now most sane people would have been mad at the tech guy who set the computers up unalarmed in the first place, not the copy center guy who happened to be working in tech when the LP guy showed up. Rob threw his keys down on the ground at my feet and said in a very gruff and angry tone, “Just fucking fix it.” I thought to myself, “Is he blaming ME for this?” Yes… he was… Rob then went back to his office to work on next week schedule. And guess who only had 12 hours next week. Jim… the copy center guy. For the next month I had to float in vacation hours to help pay the bills. What an ass.
Anyway… back to the story. I knew that the Valpo store would be opening soon because one Sunday at Highland, Paul brought in 2 other managers to start doing training at my store. Woo Hoo! It won’t be long now before I leave the Highland store and move onto greener pastures.
Well about 3 weeks later, I find out that the Valpo stores opening date had been bumped back. How did I find this out? From Paul? From Rob? No, from my ex girlfriend who was also a manager at Highland. She heard it in a managers meeting the week before. The store would now be opening in February 2008 instead of late 2007. Well thank you very much you big bunch of asses. Thanks for telling me, the guy who needed money more than the rest of these chumps. Not only that, but I come to find out that our outside hires who were doing training at the Highland store were going to still be doing training. Not only that, but they would be receiving their full management pay while I would still be part time making my measly part-time pay. WTF? You mean to tell me that two chumps who never worked for this place a day in their lives are already making more than me? A guy who shed his blood sweat and tears for this fucking company? Vengeance will be mine!
I had my interview and I was quite nervous as I had only met Paul once or twice before over the years. I thought my interview had gone rather well and when it came down to talking about pay he had mentioned that I would be looking to get a 20-25% percent raise. I did some quick math in my head and that was over $13.50 an hour! Woo hoo!!! I went back to the copy center and grabbed a calculator and did some more math to get an idea of how much my paychecks would come out to. I was set. No more worries of how I was going to pay my bills. Life was turning around for me finally. Then I realised that I had the interview, but I still didn't have the job yet.
About 2 weeks went by before I had heard anything about the job. Looking back at it now, it was that prick Pauls way of making me sweat. I finally FINALLY got a call from him and he offered me the job. I said I'd take it and asked about the pay. "Oh well we'll talk about that when the time comes but I'd say you're looking at around 20%." Around 20% as in maybe 25%? My mind was stuck on that thought as he said goodbye and hung up. What does around 20% mean? I know now that it meant I was about to get fucked over.
So Michigan City had opened up sometime in August or September, and Valpo was supposed to open sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I knew that it would be a little tough to make it till then with my current financial situation but I could do it as long as I tightened the belt a bit and didn’t start buying anything outrageous. Well I had also forgotten that my best friend Justin had finally proposed to his lifelong girlfriend Grace a while back and their wedding was coming up in November as well. They had asked me to stand up in their wedding as well which I was more than happy to do but I made it quite clear to both of them that me standing up in their wedding and paying for the tux rental was going to be my gift for them. No presents or a card filled with cash from Jim at the reception so don’t even bother looking.
Well after the wedding, money was tighter than ever so I knew that I’d have to be really careful about not pissing off Rob and getting my hours slashed like he did once before he got mad at me. Side note: Yeah Rob…. I remember that. I was back in the copy center and hadn’t worked in tech for six months. I get scheduled to work one night in tech which I was ok with. That just happened to be the day that the LP guy showed up and he found 2 or 3 computers unalarmed. Now most sane people would have been mad at the tech guy who set the computers up unalarmed in the first place, not the copy center guy who happened to be working in tech when the LP guy showed up. Rob threw his keys down on the ground at my feet and said in a very gruff and angry tone, “Just fucking fix it.” I thought to myself, “Is he blaming ME for this?” Yes… he was… Rob then went back to his office to work on next week schedule. And guess who only had 12 hours next week. Jim… the copy center guy. For the next month I had to float in vacation hours to help pay the bills. What an ass.
Anyway… back to the story. I knew that the Valpo store would be opening soon because one Sunday at Highland, Paul brought in 2 other managers to start doing training at my store. Woo Hoo! It won’t be long now before I leave the Highland store and move onto greener pastures.
Well about 3 weeks later, I find out that the Valpo stores opening date had been bumped back. How did I find this out? From Paul? From Rob? No, from my ex girlfriend who was also a manager at Highland. She heard it in a managers meeting the week before. The store would now be opening in February 2008 instead of late 2007. Well thank you very much you big bunch of asses. Thanks for telling me, the guy who needed money more than the rest of these chumps. Not only that, but I come to find out that our outside hires who were doing training at the Highland store were going to still be doing training. Not only that, but they would be receiving their full management pay while I would still be part time making my measly part-time pay. WTF? You mean to tell me that two chumps who never worked for this place a day in their lives are already making more than me? A guy who shed his blood sweat and tears for this fucking company? Vengeance will be mine!
Monday, June 13, 2011
Halo Video 3: Getting Out of a Sticky Situation
This was a great game of Team Doubles Mr Fusion 82 and I played a long time ago on Foundry. We were behind for most of the game and made a great comeback at the end.The score was 23 to 24 and we needed a quick double kill to win. Mr Fusion 82 had rockets and told me to stay down because he could handle it. Too bad for him that both of his rockets missed and they were about to destroy him. It was Montyp2000 to the rescue in the end and I won us the game. Look out Blue... there's something sticky on your leg.
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