Typical Office Supply Store Shoppers

Please note: This blog will most certainly offend some people. Those people have never worked in retail.

I have worked at an office supply store for over 10 years now. In that time I’ve seen a lot of customers and have decided to share some insights into what I’ve learned in that time. Today I’m going to talk about those customers we all know, love, and loath: Oldies, Fatties, Cuties, and Foreigners.

Oldies: Time to crank up your Beltones Grandma and Grandpa. I don’t care how young you feel on the inside, you’re old and therefore don’t know anything about computers. You are too set in your ways to learn anything new, and I’m not going to teach you, so stop asking. Also, I don’t care about how much things USED to cost. I’m sure that back in your day, 59 cents was a down payment on a house, but now a days it will get you exactly one color copy. Tell me something…… when you were kids, didn’t the old people of your day complain all the time about how expensive things were, or was that so long ago that things didn’t exist? You must have been as annoyed back then as I am now. Or is it possible that back then you all belonged to some sort of tribe that worshiped the elders? Oh well, all I know is that modern medicine has come a long way and it has allowed most of you to live far longer than was thought possible. Probably longer than you should have. At least back in the days of the tribes, once you outlived your usefulness and became a burden to the tribe, you were sent off into the woods to die. Ahhhh the good old days.

Fatties: How many times has this happened to you? You are stocking a shelf, trying to run out the clock and not be bothered by stupid people in the process, when from behind you hear asking for help.

Unknown customer: “Excuse me, do you work here?”

You turn around towards the unknown customer to see who would ask such a stupid question. I mean really…. What average person goes to a retail store wearing a uniform exactly like the other store employees and starts working for fun? So you turn around to give them some sort of smart ass comeback, only to be visually assaulted by an obese person that looks more like Jabba the Hutt than a human being. You pray to a god that you don’t really believe in that they’ll be quick. Ha Ha Ha. You should have known you weren’t that lucky. Jabba wants to know where everything is on their list and wants you to walk them personally to each item because they’ll be dammed if they’re going to search for an item and burn up precious calories. They won’t let you go until every last item is checked off their list and crushed any hope of having a peaceful shift.

ATTENTION FAT PEOPLE!!! Stop wasting my time. I understand that you’re ugly and crave a retail employees attention because we have to help you and the outside world has shunned you and your over abundance of winter blubber, but please, lose some weight and become attractive. I will be more than happy to wait on you then. If you refuse to get thin because you’re lazy or would like to blame it on some mythical “glandular problem” then please, leave the store and go home to your pets. They are the only ones who will love you unconditionally. Be forewarned though. They only love you because you feed them. They won’t hesitate to eat you when you have a heart attack and die in the middle of your pork chop/ice cream dinner.

Cuties: This elusive breed of human is a rare treat. When one walks into the store and needs help, it can make your day. They look nice and smell nice too. Be careful though, there are many varieties of shoppers that will try and trick you into thinking they’re cuties to get you to help them. Here are some examples:


•The 20 foot away cutie: This is by far the most common type. She walks in as you look up from your computer in the copy center and see her walking past the cash registers. You wonder why your spidey sense didn’t go off. She walks into the paper shop and you see your chance to strike. You walk up to her and she turns around...

BAH! You are so repulsed by the non attractiveness of the woman that you wonder if you will ever get an erection ever again. You help the crypt keeper with her question and go back to the copy center making a mental note to make an appointment with the eye doctor for an obviously overdue exam.

•The from behind cutie: Another very common type. The from behind cutie is one that will have nice clothing, a nice body and even have an attractive head. You of course assume that since they’re good looking from behind, they must be attractive in the front.

You would be wrong. They turn around and are once again horrified by nasty saggy breasts, an unnoticed pregnancy, or a face that looks like they are about to go try out for the part of Sloth in Goonies II.

•The oldie who wants to be a cutie: This type is a former cutie who has been ravaged by time. The grim reaper is getting ever closer and in a desperate attempt, she will wear too much makeup or wear their daughters belly shirts in hopes of throwing the angel of death off the scent.

Word of advice ladies, don’t wear the belly shirt if you have had a c section. Very unsexy.

•Jailbait: (No picture here you pervs) You’re walking down an aisle and you notice a cutie at the end. She’s got an outfit that makes you think she stopped off for paperclips before going to work at the strip club. Hey... strippers need office supplies too right? You approach and she turns around. You just realized that she’s no older than 15. AHHHHHH!!!!! Stay away from these girls at all costs. 15 will most certainly get you 20. Go for the mom instead. You know she’s single because no father would let his little girl leave the house like that.

And last but not least;

FORIEGNERS: Uggggg…. Where do I begin? As soon as I said foreigners, I know you all thought the same thing. “I hate foreigners”. In fact, I’d be willing to bet that a few of you skipped over Oldies, Fatties and Cuties and came straight here. Well, go back and read it. I’ll wait.

Things we all hate about foreigners:
•Their smell

•Their over abundance of hair

•Their refusal to learn the language

•Over use of the term “My friend”

•Their incessant need to ask 1,000 questions the second they walk through the door despite the language barrier

•Their love of the clearance section

•The over use of bad coupons and their need to complain until they get their way (i.e. They buy a computer, ((the cheapest one there is)) and they try and use a coupon for 25% off any supply item but not valid on technology)

Now, that last one isn’t limited strictly to foreign people, but they easily make up the largest portion of the coupon complainers.


Message to all foreign people who may read this:
I’m sure that when you lived in the old country, it was perfectly ok to haggle over the price of things like you were in a market place. I’m also sure that it was customary to not bathe EVER. Well you live in America now pal. You’ve also probably lived here for some time too. Learn to shower, learn to speak English, and fucking learn that we put the price on an item, we do that so you won’t stop and ask us the price and try and barter with us. And for fucks sake, stop eating so much curry. It’s coming out of your pores and making me ill.